Because who wouldn't love a mixer like this??

Seriously who wouldn't??  I know I would and how much better can it be, free??!!  Check it out http://www.easydoughfundraising.com/cookie-dough/)...go...now!!

Contest time baby!!

Just stopping in to share a new contest with you!  Check it out!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway


It's being put on by Very Jane an awesome website that has good deals on all kinds of things you may or may not have known you needed!!

So hurry go check them both out!!

Go Art Flip Book from ebeanstalk!!

This week I received a Go Art Flip Book from ebeanstalk. This book is a metal like case with a zipper on it. When you open it up, there is a pen, 2 tablets, and 4 stencils. So to start off I tried it out! It was kinda of fun! A little difficult to make sure the little man was positioned at about the same spot on the page, so he wasn't jumping all over. Then I let my two kiddos try it out. They both enjoyed playing with it, but the task of keeping the guy in the correct spot was a LOT harder for them! They enjoyed having me do it as best I could and then playing with it and watching the drawings "move"!! There are a few things on it that I would have liked to see differently! Mainly, if there was a way of having a marking somewhere in the stencil or something to help to line it up correctly!! I do love though that it all is contained perfectly in the little zipped up book!! And I am sure if my kids were a bit older it may have been a bit easier for them, but at 6 and 8 they had kind of a hard time doing it. Either the stencil would move on them or they just didn't have it lined up in the right spot so it looked a little different, but they enjoyed playing with it! I can see it being something that could keep their attention once in a while!! Especially if more than 4 stencils were available, or if we can figure out how to add other things to them like, maybe a bouncing ball or something! Should be fun to see what all we can do with it!!

Has your child ever gotten a toy as a gift that he/she absolutely loves, but you don't know where it came from? What about one that looked awesome in the package, but broke after playing with it for 5 minutes? There are all sorts of toys out there, good and bad, and ebeanstalk likes to make sure they only have the great ones. Head on over to their website and tell them about the best learning toys you've found or the worst baby gifts you've ever received. They need to hear about the best and the worst to provide the best toddler toys around.

Toy Site!!

Do you sometimes find it hard to pick out the best toys for your kids? Let ebeanstalk help! They have a team of child experts that have chosen the very best

With Christmas coming up, we all need help finding fun toys that will keep your child's attention more than the wrapping or boxes they came in...well that seems to me to be exactly what ebeanstalk has done!! Their site is very easy to navigate!! Instead of overwhelming yourself, like I do in my visits to other toy sites, ebeanstalk has the categories broken down for you, so you can find just the right toy for that child on your list!

You need a toy for a 6 month old boy? Chose from any one of these baby toys .

What about that 7 year old girl on your list?? Check out these kids toys?

Based on the developmental milestones for each age, ebeanstalkÕs experts match every toy to a specific age group, so you can be certain you are getting the best learning toys out there!

Could shopping get much easier?? Seriously??!!

I am VERY impressed by the ease of use of this website! I absolutely love the fact that you can search for that perfect gift(s) in so many ways!! And for those of us parents who are always being asked what our little ones want or need for Christmas, there is a wish list option! So search the site with your kids and let them chose things they would like and then let your family and friends shop all at one place...ebeanstalks!!

Have been away for a while...

So it has been a while since I have blogged, and in that time a lot has changed...I now have 2 school aged children and also...we welcomed a new addition in May, so now instead of an infertility journal, I guess I get to make this a mother of 3 journal!! Hopefully I will be able to post more frequently and then I can have a journal of those things and moments, I, as a busy mom have seemed to forget with the other two!!

Wow, long time now write....

Has it been crazy here!! I just feel like I have been going constantly but yet seem to NEVER get anything done...Tell me how that is possible?? Seriously. Anyhow, in just this last week I had my youngest turn 5...this is SO depressing...and had both kids get sick...oh and then was in terrible pain myself for 3 days. Finally got myself to make an appointment to go into the new doctor I had picked out and then had to go in yesterday instead because of the pain I had been feeling. I am so excited about the possibilities with this doctor, he seems to have a different, and better plan of action. In fact I went in just wanting to do the normal yearly visit and figure out this pain and came out with the possibilities of new meds to maybe help us get pregnant. I am just not sure that I am ready to try the meds again though. It is definitely something that my wonderful husband and I need to think about!

Anyhow, other than that not a whole lot going on. Have been working on my "order" for rally...unfortunately it isn't much, just doing veils...I was really hoping to have some flower orders and that is the thing that I really enjoy but I guess not...don't really know what is going on with it all!! But other than this nothing much now. Not really any exciting stories to tell or info to share. This weekend I get to go to my mom and dad's again for Celebration...and I am SO excited...hopefully I can stay fairly pain free while there!! Until next time take care and God Bless

I'm Back....

Well after a long break from home and a pretty good week at my mom and dad's house, I am back! It is so nice to be back!! I sure missed my husband, that is for sure! Anyhow, not a lot has changed since I last wrote. The only thing new is that my Brother in Law and Sister in Law announced that they are pregnant again! I sure hope that everything works out for them!! Anyhow, I really am totally exhausted today and don't know what to write about so I think I will just use today to check in and maybe come back tomorrow and have something interesting to talk about!!

Am I weird??

OK so this next week I will be going to my parents house for a full week with the two kids for Vacation Bible School. It is a little over 3 hour drive from here one way. This will be the first trip I have taken over night little alone for 7 days with the two kids without my wonderful husband, since well, I don't think I have EVER taken a trip with the two kids and no husband. In fact I think I have only went without him a few times since we have had Aby. So in almost 8 years, I have been away from his overnight so few times that I could could them on both hands, probably on one hand!! Is that sad?? And then to top it off, I am really sad about it. In fact when I think about it, it makes me wanna cry. Seriously! Is that weird?? I could guarantee that we will talk at least every night probably more and I will still miss him like CRAZY!!! It is going to be the LONGEST week of my life!

Blank

What is wrong with me?? I just feel so empty today. In fact it seems like lately if I'm not in pain I don't feel anything. I just don't get it. I mean I feel like an empty shell lately. I guess that that is not totally true I do feel more than pain. I am happy with my family. I absolutely love my husband and he does make me happy as do my kids and the rest of my family. But even when I add those emotions I still feel as if I am full of a lot of emptiness...I guess it is all just something that is really hard to explain (unless of course you have been through infertility or something similar).

My intention was to come on here and explain what exactly is affecting my infertility and maybe give some useful sites for anyone else who suffers from the same thing in hopes that maybe I can help them out in some way. But this whole weekend I had a headache and was pretty much miserable. Now today I am really down and out and not feeling one hundred percent either. So I guess you could say I am just feeling too sorry for myself to even attempt to go into it all. Hopefully I will feel better another day and can do that! I mean I will do it...

I guess that is all for now, I am just so empty today that I don't even know what to talk about.

Tweaking

I have been working on my layout and what not the last couple days. And today didn't get to posting on here until now...oh well. Not a whole lot going on today. This morning we were supposed to get up for the arrival of an insurance adjuster and wouldn't you know after not being able to sleep all the great because of being worried about over sleeping, and a restless husband, she calls this morning while we were waiting for her (a half hour before she was supposed to arrive) and she had to reschedule for tomorrow afternoon! Hopefully it will all work out well for us!!

Then after my husband went to work this morning I was hanging out alone with Bella and all of a sudden I started to think about my sister-in-law. Don't know why but I did. Now a little back ground there. They have been trying to have a baby since I think it was March or April of 2007. So they have been trying for over 2 years also. Anyhow, they went through the fertility drugs for 9-10 months with not luck and then in December of 2008 they announced they were pregnant. After a couple of ultrasounds they new something wasn't right. They thought either the baby had Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18 I think it was. Anyhow, as time went on and SHE was monitored, the spot at the lower back of her head that was giving them some concerned seemed to shrink. Anyhow, I don't really remember all of the details for sure but I know there was something wrong with her heart and they thought it would be best to deliver her early (which luckily they did as my sister-in-law had some complications right before she had the c-section). So on May 1, 2008 a beautiful little angel Zoe Lynn was born and after a couple breaths here on earth she joined our Savior.

The two of them have been through so much this last couple years, and I really wish that there was something that I could do to take some of the pain from them. I also pray that they are blessed with another beautiful child soon, as I know that they want to become parents so badly. They are such a strong couple and I look up to them greatly. Love you guys!!

Nothing new really going on. I am still struggling a bit but not nearly as badly as yesterday. And figured I'd give you all a break after the novel I wrote yesterday ;)

Really Struggling

Another day, another day of struggling!!

You know when you don't wanna get yourself out of bed in the morning that it more than likely is not gonna be the greatest of days. Well that is how mine started. I finally got out and took a shower and instead of feeling better, I felt worse!! These last couple days I have felt empty. I mean the other day we took a drive through a canyon and took a few pictures and while I was taking pictures at a really cool old bridge (actually the one in my background picture) I seen a group of trees that were so beautifully green (we have been getting quite a bit of rain lately and is making the area so pretty!!), and in the middle of those green trees was ONE dead one, and to be honest that is the way I feel. I feel dead. I mean not literally, but I don't feel like me anymore. I used to be more excited about life, more excited to see where the day would go. Now, not so much! Ever since our infertility journey began that is where little by little, month by month, parts of me have died.

I remember when we first got pregnant with our daughter. We were so scared. We were young (he was still in high school!!). So confused and I guess maybe a little ashamed as we knew we had disappointed many people! My mother-in-law after a few months kept saying that every baby is a blessing, not matter the circumstances. And while I did and still do believe that, I just didn't know how we were gonna make it. We went on in the pregnancy and the idea of having a baby became more real. And I, at least, got excited about it. When we went in to have her, I was expecting it to last forever, but it really didn't. In fact, we went in and the broke my water at about 4:45pm, and we had her by 9:26pm I think it was. It only took me 15 minutes of pushing I believe. And afterwards my doctor said, "Looks like you were just made to have babies!" That is something that since that moment has stuck in my mind! I always wanted to be a mom and when she said that it all just seemed right!! Now here I am 6 years 3 months and 14 days from that day, and my body is no longer doing what it was meant to do!! It is like God took away my womanhood.

I know that isn't totally true but that is the way I feel, as if I am no longer a "true" woman!! The one thing that I prided myself on, becoming a mom, and now I can no longer do that! Sure I have my two here and let me just say that I do feel truly blessed to have them, and I love them so much and do enjoy them, but at the same time, I know that our family is not complete! Something is missing...someONE is missing!! I guess it is just one of those things that until you have be through infertility one will never understand, and it is one struggle that is really hard to explain to others!!

So now after 2 years almost to the date of trying and not succeeding, I feel as if now all I am is and empty core!! Month after month, I have went through a roller coaster ride. And month after month, my heart has been ripped out and stomped on and placed back in its spot only to have the action repeated the next month!! I just wish that I could get over it and not yearn so deeply for another child. To just wake up one day and know and be able to trust in God's timing. To not have this weigh so heavily on me all through out the day, day after day!! But I haven't been able to do that yet!! Maybe someday, but today is not the day!

I know there are so many couples out there who are childless for whatever reason and also want to badly to have a child. And I feel for them, because being a mom is the greatest thing EVER!! But just because I have two does not make my heart yearn for one even less. And to be honest (and this is just my opinion as I have never been through infertility as a childless woman) I think that it is just as hard if not harder to already have one or a couple at home and go through it. As not only do you have the people you run into at the store who are pregnant or who have a newborn, not only do you have family members and/or friends who announce a pregnancy (some of which ABSOLUTELY did not want one!!), not only do you hear of the horrible news stories about parents not giving their children the love and care that you wish so desperately to give to a child, not only do you know that every day thousands of babies lives are taken because the circumstances surrounding the parents are in are not ideal to what they want them to be for the child, or the baby just is not wanted and the horrific act of abortion is the best method of birth control to lean on for the mother or parents, not only do you have your spouse who you can tell is having about as hard a time as you are about the fact that you have not yet been able to get pregnant (and maybe not ever), but you also have your other children who every day bring up wanting a brother or sister. That in and of itself tears me up inside!! There are days when you just don't know what to say. Days where your anger with God for placing this desire in you heart and not allowing you to reach that goal, makes you want to scream and say things or do something that you know you would regret, days where you just want to give up. But instead you continue on in hopes that one of these months it will happen. And who knows it just might it is just the waiting that kills me!!

So when my daughter or my son say something like "When will God give us a baby sister or brother?" or "Why won't HE give us a baby?" or just the general "I really want a brother or sister." or the thing mine just started saying "I really want you to have twins mommy!" and I am at a loss for what to say I just say the same things..."I don't know"or "we have to keep praying". I hate saying those things everyday. I wanna know what to say, but I don't because I don't know the answers and don't understand God's reasoning either.

Day 2

Well, here I am day 2 of blogging. It is rainy here and I have no idea what to do today. I need to find something to do with the kids as I am sure that they are going to go crazy this summer break with all of the rain. So far this morning they have been playing just fine. (knock on wood) Me on the other hand, I don't know if it is the weather or what but both yesterday and today I have been so down. I have been mainly depressed about the infertility stuff. I really just need to go back into a doctor and discuss my options!! But I know that right now we can't afford to do much. It is just so hard. It is just such a roller coaster ride and right now I guess I am in one of the down slopes right now.

I am still trying to figure out something interesting to start writing about to hold an audience. I guess for now it will just have to be my little journal!

Intro

Well, there have been so many times where I have been tempted to start one of these but just never could convince myself to do in. Now here I am, I've given into the temptation and hope that maybe I can write something worth reading!!

Anyhow, so I wanted to start by introducing myself. My name is Becki. I have been married to my wonderful husband since September 3, 2004. We have two beautiful kids together. Abygail who was born September 25, 2002 and Anthony who was born July 19, 2004. Yes, for all of you people who caught that, we had our two children before we were married. But while neither of them were planned by us, they were in HIS plan and that is something that we now know.

I am a stay at home mom of my beautiful blessings. We have been trying to add to our family since June of 2007, so that makes if 2 years of the wonderful roller coaster of infertility. After 6 disappointing months of infertility treatments we took a break in September 2008 and have not been back in sense. I tried doing the natural supplement things then for probably another 5-6 months and then decided to try the "not trying" method...you know cause everyone says that it is when you are not trying that you end up conceiving. Well, as anyone else knows who has been through infertility there is no such thing as "not trying", when you want something so badly, there is no possible way to push it aside and forget about it! So on Mother's Day of this year we added to our home, only instead of another child, we added a fur baby. Bella is a lot of fun but also a lot of work. And while I don't think I will ever lose that yearning to have another child for the time being she has helped to sorta fill the hole that was created when the desire to add to our family first knocked on my door about 3 years ago!!

Well, I think that is pretty much all....

Oh wait, I also have been attempting to start a home business of floral design (wedding bouquets and other arrangements and home decor) and beading. So if anyone is interested check my website out at:
freewebs.com/floralfantasiesandbeading