Really Struggling

Another day, another day of struggling!!

You know when you don't wanna get yourself out of bed in the morning that it more than likely is not gonna be the greatest of days. Well that is how mine started. I finally got out and took a shower and instead of feeling better, I felt worse!! These last couple days I have felt empty. I mean the other day we took a drive through a canyon and took a few pictures and while I was taking pictures at a really cool old bridge (actually the one in my background picture) I seen a group of trees that were so beautifully green (we have been getting quite a bit of rain lately and is making the area so pretty!!), and in the middle of those green trees was ONE dead one, and to be honest that is the way I feel. I feel dead. I mean not literally, but I don't feel like me anymore. I used to be more excited about life, more excited to see where the day would go. Now, not so much! Ever since our infertility journey began that is where little by little, month by month, parts of me have died.

I remember when we first got pregnant with our daughter. We were so scared. We were young (he was still in high school!!). So confused and I guess maybe a little ashamed as we knew we had disappointed many people! My mother-in-law after a few months kept saying that every baby is a blessing, not matter the circumstances. And while I did and still do believe that, I just didn't know how we were gonna make it. We went on in the pregnancy and the idea of having a baby became more real. And I, at least, got excited about it. When we went in to have her, I was expecting it to last forever, but it really didn't. In fact, we went in and the broke my water at about 4:45pm, and we had her by 9:26pm I think it was. It only took me 15 minutes of pushing I believe. And afterwards my doctor said, "Looks like you were just made to have babies!" That is something that since that moment has stuck in my mind! I always wanted to be a mom and when she said that it all just seemed right!! Now here I am 6 years 3 months and 14 days from that day, and my body is no longer doing what it was meant to do!! It is like God took away my womanhood.

I know that isn't totally true but that is the way I feel, as if I am no longer a "true" woman!! The one thing that I prided myself on, becoming a mom, and now I can no longer do that! Sure I have my two here and let me just say that I do feel truly blessed to have them, and I love them so much and do enjoy them, but at the same time, I know that our family is not complete! Something is missing...someONE is missing!! I guess it is just one of those things that until you have be through infertility one will never understand, and it is one struggle that is really hard to explain to others!!

So now after 2 years almost to the date of trying and not succeeding, I feel as if now all I am is and empty core!! Month after month, I have went through a roller coaster ride. And month after month, my heart has been ripped out and stomped on and placed back in its spot only to have the action repeated the next month!! I just wish that I could get over it and not yearn so deeply for another child. To just wake up one day and know and be able to trust in God's timing. To not have this weigh so heavily on me all through out the day, day after day!! But I haven't been able to do that yet!! Maybe someday, but today is not the day!

I know there are so many couples out there who are childless for whatever reason and also want to badly to have a child. And I feel for them, because being a mom is the greatest thing EVER!! But just because I have two does not make my heart yearn for one even less. And to be honest (and this is just my opinion as I have never been through infertility as a childless woman) I think that it is just as hard if not harder to already have one or a couple at home and go through it. As not only do you have the people you run into at the store who are pregnant or who have a newborn, not only do you have family members and/or friends who announce a pregnancy (some of which ABSOLUTELY did not want one!!), not only do you hear of the horrible news stories about parents not giving their children the love and care that you wish so desperately to give to a child, not only do you know that every day thousands of babies lives are taken because the circumstances surrounding the parents are in are not ideal to what they want them to be for the child, or the baby just is not wanted and the horrific act of abortion is the best method of birth control to lean on for the mother or parents, not only do you have your spouse who you can tell is having about as hard a time as you are about the fact that you have not yet been able to get pregnant (and maybe not ever), but you also have your other children who every day bring up wanting a brother or sister. That in and of itself tears me up inside!! There are days when you just don't know what to say. Days where your anger with God for placing this desire in you heart and not allowing you to reach that goal, makes you want to scream and say things or do something that you know you would regret, days where you just want to give up. But instead you continue on in hopes that one of these months it will happen. And who knows it just might it is just the waiting that kills me!!

So when my daughter or my son say something like "When will God give us a baby sister or brother?" or "Why won't HE give us a baby?" or just the general "I really want a brother or sister." or the thing mine just started saying "I really want you to have twins mommy!" and I am at a loss for what to say I just say the same things..."I don't know"or "we have to keep praying". I hate saying those things everyday. I wanna know what to say, but I don't because I don't know the answers and don't understand God's reasoning either.