Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I'm Back....
Well after a long break from home and a pretty good week at my mom and dad's house, I am back! It is so nice to be back!! I sure missed my husband, that is for sure! Anyhow, not a lot has changed since I last wrote. The only thing new is that my Brother in Law and Sister in Law announced that they are pregnant again! I sure hope that everything works out for them!! Anyhow, I really am totally exhausted today and don't know what to write about so I think I will just use today to check in and maybe come back tomorrow and have something interesting to talk about!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Am I weird??
OK so this next week I will be going to my parents house for a full week with the two kids for Vacation Bible School. It is a little over 3 hour drive from here one way. This will be the first trip I have taken over night little alone for 7 days with the two kids without my wonderful husband, since well, I don't think I have EVER taken a trip with the two kids and no husband. In fact I think I have only went without him a few times since we have had Aby. So in almost 8 years, I have been away from his overnight so few times that I could could them on both hands, probably on one hand!! Is that sad?? And then to top it off, I am really sad about it. In fact when I think about it, it makes me wanna cry. Seriously! Is that weird?? I could guarantee that we will talk at least every night probably more and I will still miss him like CRAZY!!! It is going to be the LONGEST week of my life!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Blank
What is wrong with me?? I just feel so empty today. In fact it seems like lately if I'm not in pain I don't feel anything. I just don't get it. I mean I feel like an empty shell lately. I guess that that is not totally true I do feel more than pain. I am happy with my family. I absolutely love my husband and he does make me happy as do my kids and the rest of my family. But even when I add those emotions I still feel as if I am full of a lot of emptiness...I guess it is all just something that is really hard to explain (unless of course you have been through infertility or something similar).
My intention was to come on here and explain what exactly is affecting my infertility and maybe give some useful sites for anyone else who suffers from the same thing in hopes that maybe I can help them out in some way. But this whole weekend I had a headache and was pretty much miserable. Now today I am really down and out and not feeling one hundred percent either. So I guess you could say I am just feeling too sorry for myself to even attempt to go into it all. Hopefully I will feel better another day and can do that! I mean I will do it...
I guess that is all for now, I am just so empty today that I don't even know what to talk about.
My intention was to come on here and explain what exactly is affecting my infertility and maybe give some useful sites for anyone else who suffers from the same thing in hopes that maybe I can help them out in some way. But this whole weekend I had a headache and was pretty much miserable. Now today I am really down and out and not feeling one hundred percent either. So I guess you could say I am just feeling too sorry for myself to even attempt to go into it all. Hopefully I will feel better another day and can do that! I mean I will do it...
I guess that is all for now, I am just so empty today that I don't even know what to talk about.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tweaking
I have been working on my layout and what not the last couple days. And today didn't get to posting on here until now...oh well. Not a whole lot going on today. This morning we were supposed to get up for the arrival of an insurance adjuster and wouldn't you know after not being able to sleep all the great because of being worried about over sleeping, and a restless husband, she calls this morning while we were waiting for her (a half hour before she was supposed to arrive) and she had to reschedule for tomorrow afternoon! Hopefully it will all work out well for us!!
Then after my husband went to work this morning I was hanging out alone with Bella and all of a sudden I started to think about my sister-in-law. Don't know why but I did. Now a little back ground there. They have been trying to have a baby since I think it was March or April of 2007. So they have been trying for over 2 years also. Anyhow, they went through the fertility drugs for 9-10 months with not luck and then in December of 2008 they announced they were pregnant. After a couple of ultrasounds they new something wasn't right. They thought either the baby had Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18 I think it was. Anyhow, as time went on and SHE was monitored, the spot at the lower back of her head that was giving them some concerned seemed to shrink. Anyhow, I don't really remember all of the details for sure but I know there was something wrong with her heart and they thought it would be best to deliver her early (which luckily they did as my sister-in-law had some complications right before she had the c-section). So on May 1, 2008 a beautiful little angel Zoe Lynn was born and after a couple breaths here on earth she joined our Savior.
The two of them have been through so much this last couple years, and I really wish that there was something that I could do to take some of the pain from them. I also pray that they are blessed with another beautiful child soon, as I know that they want to become parents so badly. They are such a strong couple and I look up to them greatly. Love you guys!!
Nothing new really going on. I am still struggling a bit but not nearly as badly as yesterday. And figured I'd give you all a break after the novel I wrote yesterday ;)
Then after my husband went to work this morning I was hanging out alone with Bella and all of a sudden I started to think about my sister-in-law. Don't know why but I did. Now a little back ground there. They have been trying to have a baby since I think it was March or April of 2007. So they have been trying for over 2 years also. Anyhow, they went through the fertility drugs for 9-10 months with not luck and then in December of 2008 they announced they were pregnant. After a couple of ultrasounds they new something wasn't right. They thought either the baby had Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18 I think it was. Anyhow, as time went on and SHE was monitored, the spot at the lower back of her head that was giving them some concerned seemed to shrink. Anyhow, I don't really remember all of the details for sure but I know there was something wrong with her heart and they thought it would be best to deliver her early (which luckily they did as my sister-in-law had some complications right before she had the c-section). So on May 1, 2008 a beautiful little angel Zoe Lynn was born and after a couple breaths here on earth she joined our Savior.
The two of them have been through so much this last couple years, and I really wish that there was something that I could do to take some of the pain from them. I also pray that they are blessed with another beautiful child soon, as I know that they want to become parents so badly. They are such a strong couple and I look up to them greatly. Love you guys!!
Nothing new really going on. I am still struggling a bit but not nearly as badly as yesterday. And figured I'd give you all a break after the novel I wrote yesterday ;)
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Really Struggling
Another day, another day of struggling!!
You know when you don't wanna get yourself out of bed in the morning that it more than likely is not gonna be the greatest of days. Well that is how mine started. I finally got out and took a shower and instead of feeling better, I felt worse!! These last couple days I have felt empty. I mean the other day we took a drive through a canyon and took a few pictures and while I was taking pictures at a really cool old bridge (actually the one in my background picture) I seen a group of trees that were so beautifully green (we have been getting quite a bit of rain lately and is making the area so pretty!!), and in the middle of those green trees was ONE dead one, and to be honest that is the way I feel. I feel dead. I mean not literally, but I don't feel like me anymore. I used to be more excited about life, more excited to see where the day would go. Now, not so much! Ever since our infertility journey began that is where little by little, month by month, parts of me have died.
I remember when we first got pregnant with our daughter. We were so scared. We were young (he was still in high school!!). So confused and I guess maybe a little ashamed as we knew we had disappointed many people! My mother-in-law after a few months kept saying that every baby is a blessing, not matter the circumstances. And while I did and still do believe that, I just didn't know how we were gonna make it. We went on in the pregnancy and the idea of having a baby became more real. And I, at least, got excited about it. When we went in to have her, I was expecting it to last forever, but it really didn't. In fact, we went in and the broke my water at about 4:45pm, and we had her by 9:26pm I think it was. It only took me 15 minutes of pushing I believe. And afterwards my doctor said, "Looks like you were just made to have babies!" That is something that since that moment has stuck in my mind! I always wanted to be a mom and when she said that it all just seemed right!! Now here I am 6 years 3 months and 14 days from that day, and my body is no longer doing what it was meant to do!! It is like God took away my womanhood.
I know that isn't totally true but that is the way I feel, as if I am no longer a "true" woman!! The one thing that I prided myself on, becoming a mom, and now I can no longer do that! Sure I have my two here and let me just say that I do feel truly blessed to have them, and I love them so much and do enjoy them, but at the same time, I know that our family is not complete! Something is missing...someONE is missing!! I guess it is just one of those things that until you have be through infertility one will never understand, and it is one struggle that is really hard to explain to others!!
So now after 2 years almost to the date of trying and not succeeding, I feel as if now all I am is and empty core!! Month after month, I have went through a roller coaster ride. And month after month, my heart has been ripped out and stomped on and placed back in its spot only to have the action repeated the next month!! I just wish that I could get over it and not yearn so deeply for another child. To just wake up one day and know and be able to trust in God's timing. To not have this weigh so heavily on me all through out the day, day after day!! But I haven't been able to do that yet!! Maybe someday, but today is not the day!
I know there are so many couples out there who are childless for whatever reason and also want to badly to have a child. And I feel for them, because being a mom is the greatest thing EVER!! But just because I have two does not make my heart yearn for one even less. And to be honest (and this is just my opinion as I have never been through infertility as a childless woman) I think that it is just as hard if not harder to already have one or a couple at home and go through it. As not only do you have the people you run into at the store who are pregnant or who have a newborn, not only do you have family members and/or friends who announce a pregnancy (some of which ABSOLUTELY did not want one!!), not only do you hear of the horrible news stories about parents not giving their children the love and care that you wish so desperately to give to a child, not only do you know that every day thousands of babies lives are taken because the circumstances surrounding the parents are in are not ideal to what they want them to be for the child, or the baby just is not wanted and the horrific act of abortion is the best method of birth control to lean on for the mother or parents, not only do you have your spouse who you can tell is having about as hard a time as you are about the fact that you have not yet been able to get pregnant (and maybe not ever), but you also have your other children who every day bring up wanting a brother or sister. That in and of itself tears me up inside!! There are days when you just don't know what to say. Days where your anger with God for placing this desire in you heart and not allowing you to reach that goal, makes you want to scream and say things or do something that you know you would regret, days where you just want to give up. But instead you continue on in hopes that one of these months it will happen. And who knows it just might it is just the waiting that kills me!!
So when my daughter or my son say something like "When will God give us a baby sister or brother?" or "Why won't HE give us a baby?" or just the general "I really want a brother or sister." or the thing mine just started saying "I really want you to have twins mommy!" and I am at a loss for what to say I just say the same things..."I don't know"or "we have to keep praying". I hate saying those things everyday. I wanna know what to say, but I don't because I don't know the answers and don't understand God's reasoning either.
You know when you don't wanna get yourself out of bed in the morning that it more than likely is not gonna be the greatest of days. Well that is how mine started. I finally got out and took a shower and instead of feeling better, I felt worse!! These last couple days I have felt empty. I mean the other day we took a drive through a canyon and took a few pictures and while I was taking pictures at a really cool old bridge (actually the one in my background picture) I seen a group of trees that were so beautifully green (we have been getting quite a bit of rain lately and is making the area so pretty!!), and in the middle of those green trees was ONE dead one, and to be honest that is the way I feel. I feel dead. I mean not literally, but I don't feel like me anymore. I used to be more excited about life, more excited to see where the day would go. Now, not so much! Ever since our infertility journey began that is where little by little, month by month, parts of me have died.
I remember when we first got pregnant with our daughter. We were so scared. We were young (he was still in high school!!). So confused and I guess maybe a little ashamed as we knew we had disappointed many people! My mother-in-law after a few months kept saying that every baby is a blessing, not matter the circumstances. And while I did and still do believe that, I just didn't know how we were gonna make it. We went on in the pregnancy and the idea of having a baby became more real. And I, at least, got excited about it. When we went in to have her, I was expecting it to last forever, but it really didn't. In fact, we went in and the broke my water at about 4:45pm, and we had her by 9:26pm I think it was. It only took me 15 minutes of pushing I believe. And afterwards my doctor said, "Looks like you were just made to have babies!" That is something that since that moment has stuck in my mind! I always wanted to be a mom and when she said that it all just seemed right!! Now here I am 6 years 3 months and 14 days from that day, and my body is no longer doing what it was meant to do!! It is like God took away my womanhood.
I know that isn't totally true but that is the way I feel, as if I am no longer a "true" woman!! The one thing that I prided myself on, becoming a mom, and now I can no longer do that! Sure I have my two here and let me just say that I do feel truly blessed to have them, and I love them so much and do enjoy them, but at the same time, I know that our family is not complete! Something is missing...someONE is missing!! I guess it is just one of those things that until you have be through infertility one will never understand, and it is one struggle that is really hard to explain to others!!
So now after 2 years almost to the date of trying and not succeeding, I feel as if now all I am is and empty core!! Month after month, I have went through a roller coaster ride. And month after month, my heart has been ripped out and stomped on and placed back in its spot only to have the action repeated the next month!! I just wish that I could get over it and not yearn so deeply for another child. To just wake up one day and know and be able to trust in God's timing. To not have this weigh so heavily on me all through out the day, day after day!! But I haven't been able to do that yet!! Maybe someday, but today is not the day!
I know there are so many couples out there who are childless for whatever reason and also want to badly to have a child. And I feel for them, because being a mom is the greatest thing EVER!! But just because I have two does not make my heart yearn for one even less. And to be honest (and this is just my opinion as I have never been through infertility as a childless woman) I think that it is just as hard if not harder to already have one or a couple at home and go through it. As not only do you have the people you run into at the store who are pregnant or who have a newborn, not only do you have family members and/or friends who announce a pregnancy (some of which ABSOLUTELY did not want one!!), not only do you hear of the horrible news stories about parents not giving their children the love and care that you wish so desperately to give to a child, not only do you know that every day thousands of babies lives are taken because the circumstances surrounding the parents are in are not ideal to what they want them to be for the child, or the baby just is not wanted and the horrific act of abortion is the best method of birth control to lean on for the mother or parents, not only do you have your spouse who you can tell is having about as hard a time as you are about the fact that you have not yet been able to get pregnant (and maybe not ever), but you also have your other children who every day bring up wanting a brother or sister. That in and of itself tears me up inside!! There are days when you just don't know what to say. Days where your anger with God for placing this desire in you heart and not allowing you to reach that goal, makes you want to scream and say things or do something that you know you would regret, days where you just want to give up. But instead you continue on in hopes that one of these months it will happen. And who knows it just might it is just the waiting that kills me!!
So when my daughter or my son say something like "When will God give us a baby sister or brother?" or "Why won't HE give us a baby?" or just the general "I really want a brother or sister." or the thing mine just started saying "I really want you to have twins mommy!" and I am at a loss for what to say I just say the same things..."I don't know"or "we have to keep praying". I hate saying those things everyday. I wanna know what to say, but I don't because I don't know the answers and don't understand God's reasoning either.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Day 2
Well, here I am day 2 of blogging. It is rainy here and I have no idea what to do today. I need to find something to do with the kids as I am sure that they are going to go crazy this summer break with all of the rain. So far this morning they have been playing just fine. (knock on wood) Me on the other hand, I don't know if it is the weather or what but both yesterday and today I have been so down. I have been mainly depressed about the infertility stuff. I really just need to go back into a doctor and discuss my options!! But I know that right now we can't afford to do much. It is just so hard. It is just such a roller coaster ride and right now I guess I am in one of the down slopes right now.
I am still trying to figure out something interesting to start writing about to hold an audience. I guess for now it will just have to be my little journal!
I am still trying to figure out something interesting to start writing about to hold an audience. I guess for now it will just have to be my little journal!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Intro
Well, there have been so many times where I have been tempted to start one of these but just never could convince myself to do in. Now here I am, I've given into the temptation and hope that maybe I can write something worth reading!!
Anyhow, so I wanted to start by introducing myself. My name is Becki. I have been married to my wonderful husband since September 3, 2004. We have two beautiful kids together. Abygail who was born September 25, 2002 and Anthony who was born July 19, 2004. Yes, for all of you people who caught that, we had our two children before we were married. But while neither of them were planned by us, they were in HIS plan and that is something that we now know.
I am a stay at home mom of my beautiful blessings. We have been trying to add to our family since June of 2007, so that makes if 2 years of the wonderful roller coaster of infertility. After 6 disappointing months of infertility treatments we took a break in September 2008 and have not been back in sense. I tried doing the natural supplement things then for probably another 5-6 months and then decided to try the "not trying" method...you know cause everyone says that it is when you are not trying that you end up conceiving. Well, as anyone else knows who has been through infertility there is no such thing as "not trying", when you want something so badly, there is no possible way to push it aside and forget about it! So on Mother's Day of this year we added to our home, only instead of another child, we added a fur baby. Bella is a lot of fun but also a lot of work. And while I don't think I will ever lose that yearning to have another child for the time being she has helped to sorta fill the hole that was created when the desire to add to our family first knocked on my door about 3 years ago!!
Well, I think that is pretty much all....
Oh wait, I also have been attempting to start a home business of floral design (wedding bouquets and other arrangements and home decor) and beading. So if anyone is interested check my website out at:
freewebs.com/floralfantasiesandbeading
Anyhow, so I wanted to start by introducing myself. My name is Becki. I have been married to my wonderful husband since September 3, 2004. We have two beautiful kids together. Abygail who was born September 25, 2002 and Anthony who was born July 19, 2004. Yes, for all of you people who caught that, we had our two children before we were married. But while neither of them were planned by us, they were in HIS plan and that is something that we now know.
I am a stay at home mom of my beautiful blessings. We have been trying to add to our family since June of 2007, so that makes if 2 years of the wonderful roller coaster of infertility. After 6 disappointing months of infertility treatments we took a break in September 2008 and have not been back in sense. I tried doing the natural supplement things then for probably another 5-6 months and then decided to try the "not trying" method...you know cause everyone says that it is when you are not trying that you end up conceiving. Well, as anyone else knows who has been through infertility there is no such thing as "not trying", when you want something so badly, there is no possible way to push it aside and forget about it! So on Mother's Day of this year we added to our home, only instead of another child, we added a fur baby. Bella is a lot of fun but also a lot of work. And while I don't think I will ever lose that yearning to have another child for the time being she has helped to sorta fill the hole that was created when the desire to add to our family first knocked on my door about 3 years ago!!
Well, I think that is pretty much all....
Oh wait, I also have been attempting to start a home business of floral design (wedding bouquets and other arrangements and home decor) and beading. So if anyone is interested check my website out at:
freewebs.com/floralfantasiesandbeading
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